A Big Decision

Last night, Bethany slept from 11pm - 1:30am and then from 1:30am all the way until 5am.  After going back to sleep at 6am, she slept until 8:30am.  So far, last night has been my most restful night of sleep.  I felt great this morning!  (Especially since on Monday night, Bethany was up just about every hour!  Monday night was not the usual.  She usually sleeps in three or four hour stretches.) 

Well, back in May, I thought I had already made the decision to go back to work after taking my 12-week maternity leave.  Now that Bethany is here, I don't know how I feel.  Thinking about going back to work is like thinking about putting my heart through a meat grinder . . . but leaving my career is also frightening.

Staying at home would mean getting to be with Bethany everyday.  I would not miss out on her growing, changing, and learning.  I would also get to be the one who gets to be there to meet all of her needs and learn what it means to really be a homemaker.

However, staying at home means that Marcus and I take a major hit to our income.  We're blessed that Marcus has a job where he can pay all of our bills - including the mortgage - but at the end of the month there wouldn't be very much left over.  If I continue to work, our combined income would allow Marcus and I to provide more easily for our family plus have extra left over.

It's such a hard decision and I see the benefit of both choices.  When I think about "right now" and missing out on her little developmental milestones - I freak out - I'm her mommy and I want to be there for her!  But then I think about when she's a few years older . . . I'm going to want to provide wonderful Christmases, great birthdays, new clothes, fun experiences and outings, etc.  Marcus and I would also like to take a family vacation every year and there are things we have to think about that are more pressing . . . like replacing my car in the next few years and adding to Bethany's college fund and our own savings.  All of these things cost money and we don't believe in going into debt.

Even though thinking about it makes me cry, I am going to attempt going back to work.  (I've already talked to a good friend of mine who is going to babysit for me a couple of days in November, so I can "practice" being away.)  December really scares me, but I am going to do what I can to prepare myself.  If I really can't do it, Marcus and I will decide on what to do from there.  We're still praying about it.