Toto ♥

(Left: Toto and Lisa;  Right:  Toto and Daddy)
                                                                                            
I wrote the entry below for Toto's (pronounced "tutu") funeral service.  I know that she is in Heaven, but I still miss her.  She was a remarkable, wonderful woman who was very much my mom for many years.  I think about her often and she's visited my dreams occasionally in the last few weeks.  Before she passed away, Marcus and I visited her and were able to show her our baby's first ultrasound picture.  I am glad she got to know about her great-grand-baby before passing on.

For Toto.  Love, Lisa
     Grandmothers.  Grandmothers hold a significant place in most of our memories.  Whether we remember being given an extra cookie after dinner or being told sternly to mind our manners or simply being smothered with hugs, we all have a thought or two about our grandmother.  Now, it may sound cliché, but I can promise you, the memories of my grandmother expand far beyond that of the typical grandparent.  I grew up with my grandmother.  As a child, I spent most of my weekends with her and from the age of 10, I, along with my siblings, lived with her and she did the very best job she could in raising us and raising us well.
      “Home is where there feed you” is a humorous, but very true statement.  I fondly remember my grandmother's cooking and the rotation of meals that she kept.  My grandmother's vegetable soup - a simple and savory salt flavored beef broth with veggies was always a favorite that I looked forward to, as well as her taco salad night - the one night other than pizza night where we were allowed to have a soda with dinner - which was such a rarity in our house where every dinner was served with a glass of milk.  Almost every meal during the week was one cooked at home; eating out was a treat reserved for special occasions and Sundays.  She never mentioned how much cooking she did, even though I'm pretty sure it wasn't her favorite thing to do.  
            Shopping, on the other hand, was one of my grandmother's favorite things - and instead of shopping for herself, my grandmother did most of her shopping with us and for us.  It's easy for me to recall us arguing over different styles and tastes.  When I was a teenage girl, she had a hard time adapting to the trends that were considered "cool", but eventually we were always able to find common ground.  Still, my grandmother had no problem tugging on a shirt that she thought was too short or tossing a pair of jeans that she thought were too tight.  One of the very last clear disagreements I can recall is of my grandmother and I arguing over what dress I would wear to my senior homecoming dance.  I wanted to wear a solid violet dress with rhinestones and she wanted me to wear a blue velvet dress with glitter.  She let me have my violet dress, but not without pitching her side for the blue velvet very strongly.  It may seem silly, but it's one of my favorite memories.  
            In addition to driving us all over the place, meeting all of our needs, and cheering us on at our piano recitals and basketball games, my grandmother did another key thing that changed the entire trajectory of our lives.  My grandmother brought us to this church every Sunday that it was possible.  She helped introduce us to Jesus and read us stories from the Bible.  She volunteered during Vacation Bible School and made sure we attended.  She encouraged us to go to youth group when we were teenagers.  Through youth group and many people of this church, my siblings and I were able to heal, grow, and discover what it means to look more and love more like Jesus.  Jesus has changed us and we walk with Him daily.  Out of all of my grandmother's gifts, her gift of bringing me to church has had the deepest and most profound effect on me.        
            Toto went to be with the Lord on Thursday, February 18 and I know she is in Heaven – completely well and better than ever.  Once when I was very young, before I had come to live with her, I asked her if she was afraid of dying.  She didn’t hesitate at all when she said no and told me about how good it would be to see Joan again and be with God.  I don’t remember many conversations from when I was a tiny girl, but that is one that has always stuck with me.  While my heart is grieved by losing my grandmother, my grief is not completely fresh.  I have been missing her since the summer of 2002 when my grandfather passed away and the onset of her dementia began.  Though the dementia had taken a part of her away, I know her love for us remained.  
       In December of 2007, as I sat and waited to walk across the stage to receive my college diploma, I thought of my grandparents and how incredibly grateful I felt for all that they had given me.  While I am thankful to many family members who helped make my college career a possibility, my grandparents were the ones who had fostered the possibility of college for me and made it a reality.   
     My grandparents sacrificed their golden years for me.  What was supposed to have been a time of retirement, traveling, and togetherness, became instead years of homework, shopping for school clothes, family dinners, after-school-activities and keeping up with the schedules of three growing children.  Never once did I ever hear my grandmother complain about all that she had given up on our behalf.  Never once did she ever ask me for anything in return.  She just loved me and to be loved that unconditionally is truly something beautiful and life altering.  My aspiration is to live a life that reflects the gratitude I have for my grandparents’ ardent love.  Toto, thank you for everything.  I love you.  You raised me well.  And, oh, how it has made all the difference.